Love is a bond we search for, whether it is in another person or in ourselves. We stumble upon it, struggle for it, and for many we deeply desire it. But what is love exactly? Brad Troeger, creator the of TedED video “What is Love?“, comments that “we try to define love while falling into it.” (Troeger, 2013) He describes how love is used as a comparison tool, feelings, a set of behaviors, an addiction, a construct, and poses the question, “if love is a thing that we can define, then why can it mean opposite things for so many people?” (Troeger, 2013)

There are many theories when it comes to love. For example, in the article. “Love, desire, and the suppression of thoughts of romantic alternatives“, comments that relationships need strong emotions “such as vengefulness, outrage, empathy, affection, and love, act as commitment devices”. (Gonzaga, Haselton, Smurdam, Davies, & Poore 2008)

Perhaps there is an additional layer of complexity when it comes to love with the introduction of social media. While the world has become more connected, more people seem to feel much lonelier. “Social networking site use and relationship: A double edged sword” comments that “It is hard to ignore the influence of SNSs in modern society because of their dramatic influence not just on romantic, but all interpersonal relationships.” (Coundouris, Tyson, & Henry, 2021). They note while there are positives, mostly on the side of assurances, via declarations of love on a public platform, proudly parading your relationship through photos, and/or establishing social status, there are many negative sides. It has become much easier to be more intrusive, place your partner under constant surveillance, or secretly pursue alternative partners.

How do these comments and studies on love relate to my own relationship with love and my identity? The psychological break down on how society tries to define love is something I found myself falling into. I used the idea and concept of love in an attempt to find a way for myself to be defined. I desperately wanted to find the feeling that is love. In order to achieve it, I was willing to sacrifice whatever it took in order to achieve long-term commitments. Whenever those relationships had fallen out, due to lack of compatibility, I would blame myself. Obviously, the reason the relationships failed was due to my inadequacy, at least that is what I would tell myself. Soon followed the feeling of emptiness and being broken because it confused me that even though I was very ready to drop many things for my relationships, I would easily be “thrown” away in a sense.

I would often hide behind this mask of everything is “ok” to most people. I slowly became consumed with the idea that because I am imperfect I didn’t deserve love. While logically this makes no sense, my brain would retain this information until the day I could no longer handle it and broke down in front of my current partner. However the result of needing to face these inner emotions forced me to acknowledge my inner traumas and triggers.